I just need to get this off my chest.

It's a Friday night, what else to do other than get on here and BLOG!

Well, I feel like I have a lot on my plate lately..even though to most people I need to stop my complaining and man up, but it's just overwhelming to me.

I've been dating this guy Henry now for 3 months...he's really sweet, adorable puppy eyes, soft hair and great skin..I love being in his arms at night, he pretty much can make me melt just with one little look. We have some pretty epic chemistry, especially when it comes to reading each others thoughts on food and what to do for fun, the stars pretty much align perfectly when it comes to us having a good time. He gets along with my friends, as I get a long with his friends, we all have a great time together. Now here's the thing, I was asked to look into my future and try to imagine Henry and I together in the long run...I wasn't seeing it. How do I tell someone that's as great as him, "Hey, you're just dating material...I don't see us together in the long run."

A friend of mine, who knows a great deal about my dating history, told me that I need to be fair and just break up with him soon so feelings don't become stronger. I have the bad habit of dating someone and from the very beginning, looking for an escape strategy....always. However, I like to see where things go and see if he's the right one or not. My mom has always told me "If things aren't as you had hoped they would be, emotion wise, after 6 weeks, then things aren't gonna get any better, get out while you're still in shallow waters."

I told Henry from the very beginning that I was afraid of commitment right now because I'm not looking for anything serious. Granted, IF that right guy DID come along and things were so perfect for us, I would probably change my mind. However, I knew from the very beginning Henry wasn't that Mr. Right. So why date him? He's not my Mr. Right, but he's my Mr. Right Now...he's safe and I enjoy being with him, but what do I do when his feelings become stronger and mine just continue to stay the same? Should I bite the bullet and go ahead and tell him exactly how I feel?

I've told him that I plan on going back to church, and that means that everything we came into our relationship with, will end. All my bad habits, I plan on eliminating them from my life and starting new once again. He knows what that entails, and I think he knows that I'm serious. I just hate using the church as my way out...But if I really think about it, if I were to have decided not to go the church route once again, I would probably decide to stay with him longer, merely for the fact of "Why not?". I am a weak soul, though, and I give into temptations extremely easily. Henry brings temptations that I'm trying to surpass...his habits and his behaviors are ones that I'm trying to avoid. So, the term "Stand ye in Holy Places" can also pertain to who I'm dating as well...something to think about.

Wow, I really didn't intend on writing this much about my relationship struggle, but that's one thing that's been on my mind a lot recently...and I know I haven't been fair to Henry. I've been so distant and moody with him lately, he doesn't deserve it.

Another thing that's been on my mind is something that I've been kind of arguing within myself would be my career, or lack of. Now, I know I'm only 21, but to some people, success is only a grasp away at this age. I'm a server at Outback steakhouse, I love it, don't get me wrong, but it gets stressful not having a steady job. I am also a chiropractic marketer, who only works 3 hours a day, one day a week. Ridiculous, right?? I go to school one day a week for two classes for a diploma that's not even really necessary for my line of work. So, why is it so necessary that I go to school? To prove that I can finish something? I have held myself back from so many things because I'm going to school part time and working a job that has no future...hmm....

Now, I have been given the opportunity to do some modeling...I have been told I have a "strong look" and I could make it in the industry. However, in order to even be looked at by the big names in modeling, paying a large amount of money is always involved. Gotta spend that money to make the money, right? Well, I've never wanted to be a model, unless it was for hair or make up or CoverGirl or something. What are the odds of all odds that I'd be chosen to do any of that kind of modeling? I have absolutely no desire to model lingerie, bikinis, or do any form of runway...so why would I spend hundreds of dollars on a "chance"??

This guy, Steve Fox, wants me to let him know by this coming Monday whether or not I am going to pay $400 in advance to come to a convention in Orlando, Florida. He says that all the big names will be there, Trump, Next, Elite,etc, and I'd have a chance in signing with one of their labels. IF one of them were to choose me, I'd have to drop my life here in Georgia, leave my friends (well, what little true friends I really have here), stop going to school for possibly ever, give up my job that makes me happiest, and stop eating whatever I want whenever I want. I would have to live how and where they want me to live, party how they want me to party, etc etc. Every morning I would look at myself in the mirror and have to pick out all my flaws and try my best to change who I am, just so I would continue to be that model the agency would want me to be...I'm sorry, that's not my life. I think when he calls me on Monday, I will tell him that it's not worth it for me to go work my butt off  and stress at work for the next week to make $400 to just hand him for a "chance" at becoming something I have no desire to become.

It's funny, this morning I was SO pumped to go to that convention, then it wasn't until I was at Outback I got a sour attitude. Every thing that was in front of my face looked so delicious..I just wanted to nibble on everything just because I knew I shouldn't. Then I thought about it all night long, "I will only be able to eat what the agencies and trainers tell me to eat." My night was ruined...finally by the end of my shift, I came to a conclusion that if eating whatever I like makes me happiest, then there was NO way I was going to give that up. :P I am a proud food addict....okay, maybe not proud, but you get the point. At least I know that if I eat something I know is fattening, I can go to the gym and work it off, no problem...and that's the mentality I want to keep...I have always kept this motto "Live your life the way it makes you happiest." And if working at a low-budget, yet fun job, eating anything I want, living where ever I want, and doing anything I want, is what makes me happiest, then so be it! :)


Wow, that feels so great to get all of that off my chest! I mean, I may be broke as a joke, but at least I'm happy and I'm making it! That's a lot more to say than most people my age ;).

Okay, well now I'm tired, but to whoever reads my blogs, even it is just Jess, thanks! (Love you girl!!)

Until next time...